


everything you are

by kogxnes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drinking, FWB, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Smut, Songfic, Trans Character, trans boy, trans male
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:13:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5215727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kogxnes/pseuds/kogxnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>yamaguchi would do anything to keep tsukishima happy </p><p>songfic based on everything you are by ed sheeran</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. pick me up

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't rated as underage bc they're aged up!
> 
> when will i stop hurting my favs? who knows!!!
> 
> also tsukki is a trans boy ty :~)
> 
> its all based around sex but the actual smut is??? not that graphic ??? i tried but i got halfway thru writing vagina and i was outie

**tsukki's pov**

_i didn't mean to break your heart_  
_i was just lonely_  
_and everybody falls apart sometimes_

2:54am. his fingers find themselves dancing over the keyboard, typing that familiar name into his phone. he called yamaguchi more than he called his boyfriend nowadays. and he knew it wasn't fair on anyone involved. he knew he was hurting people. but he was drunk, and yamaguchi was so easy. yamaguchi just wanted him to be happy. yamaguchi would do whatever he wanted if it made tsukishima happy. even if it was only for a night.

yamaguchi was in love with him, he knew that. everyone had told him that, back in high school. yamaguchi was in love with him, but that didn't change the fact that tsukishima had a boyfriend. tsukishima had a boyfriend, but that didn't change the fact that he was miserable, and that fucking yamaguchi at obscene times of the morning and falling asleep next to him was the only thing that helped.

he'd gotten himself into a mess, but he wasn't planning on stopping any time soon. 

2:55am. he pressed the call button. he'd be surprised if yamaguchi wasn't already awake, waiting for the call. 

yamaguchi picks up on the third ring. 

"tsukki? is everything okay?" he sounded tired. tsukishima knew it was his fault. he was bad for yamaguchi. he was bad for everyone around him. but if yamaguchi couldn't see how toxic he was, tsukishima wasn't going to be the one to tell him. 

"yeah," he could hear the slur in his own voice, "pick me up?" 

"ok, i'll be there in about ten minutes. is it..the usual place?" yamaguchi still sounds nervous, after countless times, after countless nights. 

"normal place. hurry, it's cold," and with that, the line goes dead. if yamaguchi was anyone else, tsukishima would've thought him hanging up was a negative thing. but yamaguchi was yamaguchi, and if tsukishima knew him the way he thought he knew him, yamaguchi was just eager to see him. 

so yamaguchi picked him up, took him home. yamaguchi lived in an apartment block just outside the city. he lived alone. 

tsukishima headed straight for his room. yamaguchi's room was small, full of small house plants, and perpetually messy. his white sheets were never tidy, his bed never made. the closest it'd ever come to being actually clean was the first _morning after_ , when tsukki still cared about yamaguchi in a way that wasn't sexual, and he'd tidied his house for him. yamaguchi had woken up and thanked him at least a hundred times. tsukki had just grumbled something about how it was unhygienic. 

yamaguchi follows him to the bedroom, and tsukishima pushes him down on the bed. this has happened so many times now, they have a rhythm. yamaguchi takes off tsukishima's glasses, along with his shirt soon after. the way they kiss is always messy- tsukishima is drunk out of his mind after all. the kiss in a messy way that can barely be called kissing, but it's apparently enough for yamaguchi. he's grinding against tsukishima's leg, small whines and moans leaving his mouth. 

"are you hard already?" tsukishima looks at him. he's never understood that. he doesn't actually have a penis himself, so it's understandable, but still. yamaguchi seems like the kind of person to get a boner over just about anything. 

"a-ah, sorry, it's just it's been like a w-week and-" he's red, and tsukishima smiles. 

"it's fine. shut up." 

"ye-yeah. sorry, tsukki." yamaguchi knows he talks too much. tsukki's always telling him he talks too much. 

"go down on me," is the only response he gets. tsukishima is only ever comfortable with his body when he's drunk. this, however, is a normal request for yamaguchi to receive from tsukishima. 

so yamaguchi switches them so he's on top. pulls off tsukishima's shorts and starts complimenting him. feels tsukishima get impatient in front of him. 

"don't do that, compliments aren't going to get me off." his voice is sharp, and impatient, but also needy. yamaguchi is most scared of tsukishima when he's desperate. 

he pulls off his underwear, and goes to start kissing his thighs, but tsukishima's hand in his hair pulling him between his legs is telling him exactly what he wants, and apparently cute thigh kissing isn't an option tonight. 

so he stays there, lets tsukshima's hand push him further and starts using his mouth. if tsukishima hadn't been such a mess of moaning and panting, he would've made some smart ass comment about how yamaguchi was finally using his mouth for something useful. and yamaguchi would have given a weak smile, and cried about it when he got home.

he carries on till tsukishima finally pushes his head away and lets yamaguchi breathe. he wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and looks at the boy in front of him. 

"did i do well?" he asked. 

tsukishima would've laughed if he wasn't so full of pity. all these years knowing each other and yamaguchi still needed approval. all these nights spent exactly like this, and yamaguchi still needs to be told that he's doing well, that he's good.  

"yes. you did well. pass me a condom." 

so he does. and tsukishima gets on top of him again. and before he knows it, yamaguchi is naked from the waist down and tsukishima is sliding a condom onto him. 

tsukishima somehow always seems to be the one to take over- it never mattered who had which parts, or whether yamaguchi wanted to top for once. it was always tsukishima.  so they have messy, drunk sex and neither of them know what the fuck they're doing, but they also know too fucking much about what they're doing and it  _hurts._

and it ends how it always ends.

tsukishima gets off him a little too quickly. yamaguchi pulls on his underwear, turns off the light and finds himself curved against tsukishima's body. it's almost unnerving how well they know each other- for people who live such separate lives now, they are still so connected. tsukishima still knows how to hold him to stop him from crying. yamaguchi knows that tsukishima holding onto his shirt is his way of telling him he loves him, even if the way they love each other is still so different. 

  
_i wish i never called you up_  
_nobody told me_  
_and they don't know we don't speak anymore_  
_so take a good look at us  
__won't you just hold me tonight?_

 


	2. the rise and fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and yamaguchi wants to kick himself for still thinking tsukishima is beautiful  
> but he's never been the kind of person that lets go easily  
> and tsukishima is right there, breathing next to him  
> and he's so beautiful

**yamaguchi's pov**

 

_i know you've found another one  
but won't you just hold me tonight?_

tsukishima is sleeping next to him. it's 5am now. the birds are singing. 

yamaguchi is so tired. and he knows he's probably only getting so sentimental because he only fell asleep an hour before, but tsukishima looks so beautiful when he's sleeping, and yamaguchi's so afraid of losing him. 

and he wants to kick himself for still thinking tsukishima is beautiful, but he's never been the kind of person that lets go easily. and tsukishima is right there, breathing next to him. and he's so beautiful. 

both of their shirts are still scattered across the floor, and yamaguchi tries his hardest not to compare their bodies. suga had told him, in his first year of high school, that trying to compare himself to tsukishima was like trying to compare water and stone. they were too different. there was no way anyone could win. so yamaguchi compared himself to everyone but tsukishima. compared himself to girls on the street, compared himself to his friends, compared himself to tsukishima's boyfriend. (who he'd met a total of 0.5 times. he counts it as a half because they ran into each at the cinema once, tsukishima and him on a date, yamaguchi there alone. and yamaguchi had excused himself within a minute of friendly small talk and had disappeared to the bathrooms. he had never liked crying in front of people.) 

tsukishima's boyfriend was tall, and good looking, and strong. stronger than yamaguchi could ever be. once, when tsukishima was really, _really_ drunk, too drunk for them to have sex, he'd talked about his boyfriend for hours. he'd given him so many disgusting details about their domestic routines, who takes out the trash, who washes the dishes, who makes dinner. and yamaguchi had cried, right there, in front of him. tsukishima had been confused, too drunk to process that he was giving too much information, too drunk to remember who the fuck he was talking to. 

"what's wrong? why're you crying? what did i say wrong?" 

yamaguchi hadn't answered him, but tsukishima had figured it out on his own. 

"are you seriously still not over us dating in high school? it was for two months in our first year, it didn't even mean anything," his voice was way too sweet as he said it, way too light hearted and yamaguchi remembers wanting to punch him for being so nonchalant as he tore his fucking heart apart. 

so yamaguchi had smiled. "oh, no, of course i'm over it! weird day, that's all." 

............................

but now, it's 5:04am. the birds are still singing. yamaguchi remembers tsukishima mentioning once how much he hates birds and how they always wake him up too early.

yamaguchi is lonely. he knows this much.   
he knows this because when people ask him to name his best friends, all that comes to mind is tsukishima, and he still has to remind himself that they aren't friends anymore.

friends don't break friends hearts in their first year of high school and then continue to break them until they're 23.

but if he doesn't have tsukishima, who does he have? he still kept in touch with his high school volleyball team, sure, but he wouldn't call any of them up if he had a problem.

he's never told anyone about tsukishima, and what they still do. they'd blame him, tell him to stop messing around in other people's relationships, tell him to  _just let tsukishima be happy._ or they'd blame tsukishima and tell him to stop  _leading yamaguchi on_. as if he's a fucking 12 year old who can't make his own decisions. 

.........................

it's 5:27am. yamaguchi is still awake. he is watching tsukishima's chest as he breaths- the rise and fall is making his own breath more steady. 

yamaguchi is in love with him. 

he knows this because he still gets butterflies when they kiss, even though it is messy and always too wet and even though they never kiss without intention. 

yamaguchi wants to kiss him without a reason, wants to kiss him whenever he can, wants to kiss his forehead, his cheek, anywhere he could reach. he wants to kiss him on the couch while they watch movies, or in public when they're on a date. he wants to hold his hand and feel safe with him, the way tsukishima must feel when he's with his boyfriend. 

and he thinks about how much he loved him in their first year of high school. he thinks about how, even though it took him four months to get over their breakup, everyone had actually believed him when he said he didn't love tsukishima anymore.  _'it's fine,'_ he'd said,  _'we could never work! i'm too needy and he's got enough going on! and anyway, it was never anything serious, right tsukki?'_

 

but he did still love tsukishima. and he still did now, at 23, seven years later. 

he didn't tell him this, not ever. he never let his guard slip, never let anyone see how much he was hurting, never let anyone know how lonely and sad and afraid he was. 

..........................

tsukishima was destroying him. 

he knows this much. 

tsukishima is toxic. 

and it's not even that he's bad as a person, he's just bad for yamaguchi. 

but that hurts more than anything. it'd be easier just to turn tsukishima into the villain and never admit that he was also a part of the reason they worked so badly. 

tsukishima knew how to get what he wanted, and yamaguchi was all too ready to let himself be used and manipulated to make tsukki happy. 

it was fucking sick, and disgusting, and he knew tsukki didn't respect him. 

but he couldn't be mad about it- he wouldn't respect him either. 

he'd never once turned tsukki down, or told him no, or stood up to him.   
(there was that one time, in high school, but ever since then he's been stepping on eggshells.)   
  
6:07am now.

yamaguchi is tired. 

he lays down and puts his head on tsukki's chest. ignores the smell of different body wash on his body- tsukki always used to use the same strawberry body wash. up until he moved in with his boyfriend.   
yamaguchi hates that he notices it, hates that he imagines them showering together. hates that anyone else but him have seen tsukishima naked. hates imagining them fucking in the shower, or even worse, washing each others hair and kissing each other's foreheads and talking about their plans for the day.   
yamaguchi would rather watch the two of them fuck a million times over than ever, ever imagine them being all  _cute_ and  _in love._

he falls asleep on his chest, the thoughts bubbling up inside of him like boiling water. he briefly wonders how long it'll take one of them to get burned. 

 _and i will stop trying to fall in love again_  
_and keep it a secret_  
 _it never works out, anyway_  
 _but i am not, anything like i was_  
 _'cause you were the only one for me_

 


	3. the overwhelming sound of you never coming back and the empty spaces between the right and wrong ways of mourning over this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and when it's over  
> and it's done  
> you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back  
> so that you could have the good

they are both sleeping when tsukishima's boyfriend gets home. there are words falling out of his mouth. disgusting words. however, the words don't hurt anyone. they bounce around the house like bullets from a gun that no one remembers pulling the trigger of. they hit the walls and ricochet off the ceiling but the don't hit anyone. not yet.

he walks into their room.  _their room._ the room that is yamaguchi's. the room that is sometimes tsukishima's only safe place- but now the cause of all of his unsafe feelings is here, in the room, and the air gets heavier. 

(no one ever finds out how he knows where they were. no one ever finds out how he knew they were fucking. yamaguchi decides it does not matter.) 

he grabs yamaguchi's collar, and if he had heard the trigger being pulled he would have felt the bullet through his head. but he didn't, so he doesn't. and there is no room for metaphors when he is being pulled out of the bed and thrown against the wall. kei's boyfriend is taller, stronger, bigger than him. 

yamaguchi's head slams into the wall, and if he wasn't awake before he definitely is now. the first blow is delivered quickly, and before yamaguchi has time to open his eyes there is blood dripping from his nose into his mouth. 

his boyfriend says things like  _slut,_ calls him pathetic, tells him to stop  _meddling_ in other people's relationships. he tells him he doesn't know what he got himself into. 

the next few blows come quickly, and they are all a blur. yamaguchi cannot see anymore, and all he can feel is blood, all he can taste is blood. the only thing holding him up is the other's hand on his shirt, and once he lets go yamaguchi is on the floor. 

tsukishima is awake now. he goes to put on his glasses. his boyfriend notices him moving and snaps his glasses into two halves. 

tsukishima rolls his eyes and gets up, walking past his boyfriend. 

the man aims for his face, but in the split seconds between tsukki turning around and his fist colliding, he ends up hitting the back of tsukishima's head.

the last noises yamaguchi remembers hearing from that moment is the sound of tsukishima's body hitting the floor, and the sound of himself screaming. 

\-----------------------------

he wakes up later on, when the ambulance arrives. it's all a blur, and he can't stop shaking.

tsukishima is put on life support. the blow to the back of his head could've killed him, everyone keeps calling him lucky because  _'there's still a chance he'll make it!'_

it sure doesn't feel lucky.

\-----------------------------

it takes 3 days and 2 hours for the doctors to officially give up on tsukishima. 

yamaguchi wants to yell, wants to scream that his best friends life is worth more than just 3 fucking days of trying, wants to be selfish and tell them to give it at least a week, because  _it's not fucking fair, tsukishima was everything._

but he just holds tsukishima's hand as they let him go. 

and there's a rock in his stomach, pulling him through the fucking floor. he doesn't know how to put it into words. he feels the heaviest he's ever felt.

\----------------------------

the funeral comes all too soon, and although more than enough people attend, yamaguchi still feels like it's just him and tsukishima. (although, things have always felt slightly like that.)

he hasn't cried yet, which would be almost impressive if it wasn't so fucked up. yamaguchi, the crybaby who could find any reason to start crying, is sitting here, watching his best friend be buried and watching akiteru cry over it and still. nothing.

suga tells him that people react in different ways when people die, and that they're all okay and valid. but that doesn't stop everybody at the service turning around and giving him a dirty look when he starts fucking  _laughing._

because, really, it's fucking ridiculous that tsukishima, the most important person in yamaguchi's life, the person who gave and took the most from him, the person who shaped the last seven years of his life, is fucking  _gone._ gone forever, never to be seen again. he couldn't sleep next to him ever again. couldn't hear him speak. everything, all of the time they spent together and the memories and the things tsukki felt- they're all  _gone_ now and yamaguchi can never hold his hand again, he'll never get another drunk call at some ridiculous time, he'll never see kei happy. 

and it's not fair, it's not fair, _it's not fair._

_they barely got time to finish breaking each others hearts._


End file.
